My three-year relationship is tottering precariously on the edge. Technically it has already ended. My boyfriend decided he was done. Perhaps I’m being my normal Positive-Polly self, but I think it might be salvageable. Maybe because in my job I’ve seen patients recover that seemed hopeless. Then again, I had patients die that seemed like they were going to make it.
I am deep in the muck of uncertainty. It is uncomfortable at best and miserable at its worst. It feels like wading through a dismal swamp. The red zone doesn’t get any more red.
Photo Credit: nullality
You know this feeling. You’ve been there. Whether it is close and personal like a relationship or a job or more “out there” like managing the collective trauma of a school shooting.
I recently attended a webinar with Jurriaan Kamp of The Intelligent Optimist (my favorite magazine of all time) and Jonathan Fields. You’ll remember Jonathan from the Good Life Project.
Here’s a few insights he shared about how to manage the scary, gut-clenching, all sensors in your body pinging on high-alert, feeling of uncertainty:
5 Ways to Manage Uncertainty
1. Recognize that you don’t actually want certainty. Life wouldn’t be very interesting if we knew exactly how everything would turn out.
What we really crave is security.
Decision-making is based on information we have at the time. We can’t wait until we know for sure.
This is what we were faced with when choosing the next step in my father’s medical care. We didn’t know if he’d make any meaningful recovery. We wouldn’t know for two years. We made the best decision we could with the information we had at the time.
2. What we fear most is loss.
Yes.
Our brains are predisposed to pay attention to the negative. Faced with a threat- real or perceived- our lizard brain takes over and tries to protect us. We retreat or become paralyzed. Sometimes we fight. This saves us from the risk but destroys the possibility of the extraordinary.
What to do?
3. Increase your tolerance for ambiguity. Change is pain. On the other side is possibility.
What would be possible if my relationship were to end? What would be possible if we could find a way to make it work?
What would be possible for you if you found a healthier way to relate to your family? What would be possible if you did change your job? What would be possible if we decided that we were going to talk about mental illness and how it relates to violence?
Jonathan says, “Anyone who wants to do something extraordinary in the world should be developing some sort of mindful practice.”
4. Practice Gratitude. Yesterday despite all my feelings of uncertainty, I was grateful.
Gratitude brings light in times of darkness.
I am grateful for the wonky looking Christmas tree that my Mom and I brought in from the yard. It is imperfect: sideways-leaning, bushy-on-one-side, bare-on-the-other but alive-alive-alive beautiful.
I am grateful to live in such an awe-inspiring place:
I’m grateful that I am able to share the pain with my family, my friends and with you. Empathy is the antidote to shame.
5. Stop Doing. Be here.
I’m from a family of doers. We take action. We get stuff done. We do do do.
It was only when we finally gave up “doing” that my Dad passed away. Perhaps it was his final lesson- learn how to be.
So faced with the uncertainty of the end of a relationship, rather than frantically trying to do something, anything to take away this discomfort, I’m going to practicing being right here in the muck.
Put on your galoshes and join me? Share your thoughts in the comments.
It was so nice to run across your postings! I am going to sign up.
From this I can tell that you must be living out on the lake with your mom!? Such a nice place to be and so nice for you to have one another. I saw her this summer along with Brian Pender and his friend from Australia. We had a short but nice visit.
Now regarding your post…. it is OK to muck about for awhile, but it will soon be time for you to walk out of the swamp. I will tell you, as I have told each of my kids…. Things happen for a reason. Most generally it is in preparation for a good change. Have faith, you are a wonderful person,.. the heart will mend and you will go on to greater things! I am very proud of you.
Gary Moore
Gary-
Thanks for your kind words. I agree that things do happen for a reason even if it isn’t clear at the time.
I’m glad you found me- even if it is when I’m stumbling around in the muck.
Happy Holidays!
Lorena
#s 4 and 5 hits me.
I am always forgetful of gratitude! Indeed there is more to be thankful about than to complain about.
Stop doing, be here! Yes. We all need to feel what’s going on and recognize it. Grieve, if you are sad; celebrate, if you are happy! Do not avoid the emotions. It will come out in an unpleasant manner elsewhere. We can only move on when we deal with our feelings. I have to remind myself this ll the time!
Hi Rob! Thanks for stopping by- I’m grateful.
I completely agree and I know in dealing with the loss of my Dad the grieving process happened more quickly because I wasn’t afraid to stop and sob, or to share a story, or just to think of him even though the feelings weren’t always pleasant.
Great post Lorena-an honest and forthright look at uncertainty.
I think knowledge then mindful practise is the key when our natural default position is to freakout and always imagine the worst. There is something kind of liberating about uncertainty though as well if we can get our minds to start to detach from holding on and get moving with the letting go.In my own experience something always comes that in the end turns out to be positive even if I couldn’t see it at the time. One thing is certain, we create our reality so the more we can get rid of the fears and focus on the love the more likely we’ll meet uncertainty with a hugh grin!
Kath-
Well said! Thanks for commenting. I couldn’t agree more- in the past week I’ve seen many references to “happyiness” as the goal- from Danielle LaPorte’s Desire Map to Brian Johnson’s Optimal Living to the Dali Lama. I’ll be creating happiness this year.
Hey Lorena
This really struck a chord with me:
3. Increase your tolerance for ambiguity. Change is pain. On the other side is possibility.
The world changes when we change how we look at it eh!
Wishing you every kind of wonderful.
Ang
ps You live in a truly beautiful place…I plan on visiting some day!
Ang-
Thanks so much. Wishing you every kind of wonderful- I love that- because wonderful can also feel a bit “mucky” at times but I wouldn’t trade the muck for humdrum.
I’m looking forward to visiting you too someday!
Lorena
Amen, sister! I really liked this post, Lorena, thank you. I agreed with every point you made, large and small. Given your attitude and approach to Life, I am confident you will emerge from the muck on an even brighter path, no matter the outcome. Meanwhile, as you trudge through it, one moment at a time, my best wishes for your peace as you simply “be.”
Dawn-
Thanks so much for your comments and well wishes.